How I decided to become a minister

I recently came to a decision.  I am going to go to seminary.  I am going to get my Masters of Divinity and I am going to be an ordained minister.  It is both a scary decision for me and an immense weight off my shoulders.

I have struggled with this decision for a number of years.  I’ve always felt a push to enter the ministry, and it is a push that I have always resented.  The best advice I ever got was from an Episcopalian priest.  He said, “Run.  Run as fast as you can.  If you can’t run fast enough, then you’re meant to be in ministry.

And so I ran.

I don’t think any of us who are faithful, who believe in loving their neighbor, who believe in social justice or who just believe in doing whatever we can to improve whatever small patch of world we can, none of us truly own our lives.  If we want to give to the world, we must give at least a part of our lives.  It takes time, money, passion and skills to make a difference.

For me, entering the ministry was – is - saying that I am giving my whole life over to making a difference.  It is saying that my life’s work is about giving back to the world. I don’t doubt that whatever direction my life may have taken, I would have been giving back, but I was worried about the outward burden becoming a member of the clergy would put on me.

I also resented that becoming a member of the clergy would be a public declaration that I believed in God.  And not only that, but that I was a member of a Christian tradition.

My faith was something of which I was never proud, occasionally ashamed, but which was always present. 

The fact that I was a spiritual person, a person of faith, was a source of resentment to me.  I remember going through one period of intense doubt when I was around twelve, but since then, I haven't doubted God, so much as I have resented my belief in God.

I had this idea that there was a great schism between what was intelligent and what was faithful.  The word "Christian" isn't a popular word among many in our society; it isn't a word which inspires good feelings.  It wasn't a label I wanted to claim for myself.  Smart people were atheists.

I read argument upon argument about the existence of God. And I found that the arguments against God's existence were much stronger and much more compelling.  But even through that, I found I still believed.  I still felt God's presence in my life.  It was something I couldn't deny, however much I wanted to.

Since then, I've accepted my faith in God, and have stopped resenting it.  I don't have all the answers, in fact I have very few, and my understanding of God and faith is constantly growing and evolving.  But letting go of the pointless frustration I felt has let me continue my journey with a sense of peace.

Of course, right in front of me were intelligent, dedicated people who had a strong, compelling faith in God.  Smart, deeply caring people who with their own quiet faith, set about doing God's work.

Like most journeys in life, I have not walked this path alone.  Many of those smart, faithful people have been with me on this journey.  I can't name every person who has journeyed with me, but I want to recognize a few.

 In Pennsylvania, the Wyomissing Church of the Brethren, has surrounded me with love and support through every rocky patch of the journey.  They have shown me love, compassion and fellowship in ways that I have sometimes doubted could still exist.

Here in Ohio, the Cincinnati Church of the Brethren has shown me the idea of church is growing and evolving.  This is a church that is doing things and I'm proud to be a part of it.

The pastor here, Ben Walters, has been an invaluable mentor by simply allowing me the space to doubt, complain and be frustrated.  And by nudging me until I was ready to accept the call on my own.

My roommate, Sarah Mayer, has been an incredible companion on this journey.  Struggling with questions big and small is easier when you have someone who is sitting next to you, asking the same questions.

And always, always present are my parents.  They have been with me for every high and low of my journey and every yes then no decision that I've made.  Most of amazing of all, they never once told me what to do.  My parents walked with me on my journey, from the first faltering steps to this moment now, but I can walk tall knowing that though I am surrounded by support, I am moving my own two feet.

I am truly blessed. I know that this decision is simply the beginning of another journey, but I look forward to seeing where the road takes me and who I meet along the way.